The Dark Forest - Behind the Scenes
by Basement Cat
Summary: Our evil Dark Forest warriors BTS. What exactly are they like behind the camera? (or in this case: books)
1. Thistleclaw

So what _does_ the Dark Forest do when we're not watching? Well, I made this spoof to find out! Being evil and plotting to destroy the Clans must become tiresome, so let's just see what they're like on their time off.

Disclaimer: Warrior Cats and all characters pertaining to this book series were created by Erin Hunter! (Aka: Vicky, Cherith, Kate and Tui.) This poorly executed spoof belongs to me.

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><p>#1<p>

_Somewhere in the bleak territory of the Dark Forest full darkness and trees, Thistleclaw vainly struggles against the pressures of staying in character. Let's just see how this goes..._

Thistleclaw: We should be out there now, training to destroy the Clans! Mapleshade, surely you understand this whole thing is-

*pause*

_Clearly our *ahem* 'hero' seems to have run into an obstacle._

Thistleclaw: Mapleshade, _what_ are you doing.

Mapleshade: I _was_ asleep. You imbecile, you woke me up!

Thistleclaw: You're sleeping in the middle of our training grounds!

Mapleshade: Hehe, and I'd like to see you try to move me. Besides, being fueled by nothing but hate and spite is taxing. I need my beauty sleep.

Brokenstar: Define 'beauty.'

Thistleclaw: Brokenstar? When did you show up?

Brokenstar: I've been here the entire time. You were too busy being in character to notice.

Sol: Hey! *busts through fourth wall* Only _I_ can break the fourth wall!

Thistleclaw: Who is this?! How did you get in the Dark Forest without us noticing?

Sol: The answer is yes.

Brokenstar: DX That's not an answer at all!

Mapleshade: You should really not use emoticons.

Sol: *shrug* Blame the author's poor attempt to make a funny and original spoof.

Brokenstar: _That_ explains why every cat is so out of character. Except Thistleclaw, he's too boring.

Thistleclaw: Say that to my face you piece of foxdun-

Hawkfrost: *appears in a cloud of dark and ominous smoke* I HAVE RETURNED!

Sol: Let vengeance begin?

Mapleshade: ...That was pretty in character for Hawkfrost.

Thistleclaw: *growls in frustration* Idiots, all of you! I shall destroy the Clans myself! You all go make fools of yourselves while I go do something useful and productive in destroying the Clans!

_Our evil protagonist has left the training grounds. Wait – what? Hey, you're the main character for this episode…*sigh*_

Sol: *yelling* You can't use double negatives in a sentence!

Thistleclaw: *far away* Shut up!

Brokenstar: Wait, where is Tigerstar? He should have been here by now...

Tigerstar: *quickly walking by* I'm not in this episode. I already discussed this with the author.

Mapleshade: *grumbling* The amount of levels to which I care are at an astounding zero percent.

*silence*

Hawkfrost: WE SHALL RIP THEM ASUNDER!

Brokenstar: Hawkfrost, just...stop. As my underling, you embarrass all that is vile and evil by shouting your evil motives.

Hawkfrost: Hey, ugly, who is it who convinced all those apprentices to join the obvious dark side? This cat, right here. Also, who's the one with the motto 'Death to the Clans' for our DF trainee motivational poster?

Brokenstar: Y-y…*seething* YOU WERE FOLLOWING TIGERSTAR'S ORDERS YOU ARROGANT BRAT!

Hawkfrost: See, the thing is that calling an arrogant brat won't phase me, because that accusation is true. You forget I'm the only villain without a tragic or abusive backstory for why I am evil.

Brokenstar: What if I told you that you died a pathetic death alone and you'll die a pathetic death alone? You haven't even directly killed a cat!

Hawkfrost: You dare insult my evil honor? *takes off white glove and slaps Brokenstar with it* This is a duel between two evil gentlecats now. Wield your swordfish and have at me!

Brokenstar: I don't even know what a swordfish is!

Sol: Gentlecats? How are either of you two 'gentle?'

Mapleshade: *staring boredly into space* You're both acting like kits.

Sol: Seriously you two. Brokenstar, you brutally murder tiny kits, and Hawkfrost, you solve your problems by violently wrestling them to the ground. How is that _gentle?_

Hawkfrost: *grinning ear to ear* That's not the only thing I wrestle-

Mapleshade: -Okay, I've had enough of this stupidity. I was going to watch you two kill each other but I swear, the idiocy is contagious. I'll be plotting my enemies' downfall and washing my luxurious and beautiful fur if you need me. ...Don't need me.

Brokenstar: Luxurious?

Hawkfrost: Beautiful?

Sol: As a member of the Tortoiseshell Society, I am sworn to secrecy against all fellow tortoiseshells.

*silence*

Brokenstar: _I have no idea what this cat is talking about. And why is there a poisonous prickly puffer fish positioned next to my paws all of a sudden? How do I even use this thing without being poisoned to death again?!_

Hawkfrost: Hey, that's not fair! Swordfish are really pointy but puffer fish are poisonous _and_ pointy!

Brokenstar: Come to think of it, how do we even know what these types of fish are?

Sol: Poorly. Constructed. Spoof. *disappears in a cloud of pink smoke*

Snowtuft. Uh...Am I the only one who noticed some random cat disappear into thin air?

Brokenstar: Have you been standing there all this time doing nothing but watching us? That's really creepy, Snowtuft.

Snowtuft: We're dead evil cats. Creepy is a part of our job description.

Hawkfrost: Enough talking! Now is the time for war! Have at ye and defend your evilness...ness!

Sparrowfeather: *shows up huffing and puffing with a clownfish* Am I...too late...to...join...the due-ACK! *trips over on puffer fish*

Brokenstar: *carelessly prodding Sparrowfeather with a broken stick* ...I didn't know a puffer fish could cause paralysis.

*Sparrowfeather is out cold*

Hawkfrost: *evil grin* Lets draw a mustache on her.

* * *

><p>Note: The Tortoiseshell Society is an organization founded by Spottedleaf for all tortoiseshells who qualify for the organization. Tortoiseshell must have either died, suffered<p>

tragedy, did not get the mate, or failed in life at general to qualify. They call themselves the Tortoiseshell Rendezvous of Losers and Lovers, or T.R.o.L.L. for short. Famous

members include: Spottedleaf, Mapleshade, Sol, and Redtail.


	2. Hawkfrost

Disclaimer: Warrior Cats and all characters pertaining to this book series are creations of Erin Hunter! (Aka: Vicky, Cherith, Kate and Tui) This poorly executed spoof belongs to me.

WARNING: There is some use of inappropriate language and themes in this spoof.

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><p>#2<p>

_Narrator Voice Thingy: Our story continues as we switch to a different PoV since _some cat_ *glares at Thistleclaw* walked out on my first one! Now a most humble, most wise, and most kind cat takes the lead…_

Sol: Yeesh, enough of the word 'most.'

_Sol suddenly found himself in a lonely forest, and just happened to land right on top of a disgruntled Hollyleaf._

Hollyleaf: What just…what? *unnerved* Who or _what_ just landed on my bac-

_Sol and Hollyleaf's eyes meet, their passion overflowing as anger and rage pours out…_

Hollyleaf: SOL! I told you to _never_ return. And this time, I _will_ ki-

Sol: -I'm going to abuse the fact we are fictional characters now. *escapes through hole in the ground in a mad hatter costume* ARRIVADECCI!

Hollyleaf: ...What in StarClan's name just happened?

_It can truly be nothing but love those two share…Ah, yes! Now that Sol has been temporarily taken care of, I can actually move on to the real protagonist. Aka: The exact opposite of humble, wise and kind._

_Moons ago back in Fading Echoes…_

Hawkfrost: Okay, Dad, I've taken care of the whole 'evil Third' thing you keep talking about with my natural awesomeness. Can I can have love and affection now?

Tigerstar: You neglected to get the right cat, thus you are a disappointment. It was supposed to be…er, who was it again? Hollyleaf?

Snowtuft: *whispering to Shredtail* I don't remember Tigerstar mentioning anything about an evil Third. It was just that some apprentice from ThunderClan was pissed off and was 'ready' or something like that.

Shredtail: *loudly* WHY ARE WE WHISPERING?

Snowtuft: *groans internally*

Hawkfrost: *looking weirdly at Shredtail* She's been dead for moons now, was killed by rocks.

Tigerstar: Then who…where are my reading glasses?

Snowtuft: Um, sir, we're cats. We don't wear glasses.

Tigerstar: Eh? Hawkfrost! Why didn't you tell me we were cats! If you were Brambleclaw you would have told me right away!

Clawface: Yeesh, Tigerstar, you don't have to be such an asshole to your so-

Tigerstar: *kicks off convenient cliff with size 27 spiked cleats* And that's why you don't show up in the books. I'm going to go away now, for I hate you all.

Hawkfrost: I shall continue to ignore your faults and idolize you to a creepy degree and ask: what exactly am I supposed to do with this apprentice thing I picked up? *holds up Ivypaw who is currently nomming on Hawkfrost's tail* It keeps following me around and biting my tail!

_Tigerstar has lost the ability to care and is pretending no other cat exists._

Hawkfrost: Dad? Hellooo?

Ivypaw: You have really pretty eyes!

Hawkfrost: I know they're pretty but _come on_, I'm being picked on by a kit!

Snowtuft: I think that was supposed to be a complement…

Mapleshade: *walks up randomly* I think it fancies you.

Hawkfrost: Fancies…?

Mapleshade: It means she likes you. Romantically.

Hawkfrost: Wait…*processing information* WTDF she's only 8 moons!

Mapleshade: So?

Hawkfrost: _So?!_ I-I could be her grandfather if I was alive! The only thing that makes it not as creepy is that I was brutally stabbed to death at 24 moons and I don't look old! Wait, scratch that, that's even creepier…

Mapleshade: So, idiot, you use her naivety to your advantage to gain a loyal Dark Forest apprentice.

Hawkfrost: Well _yeah_, if she was older, but she's barely an apprentice. Seriously, who _does _that-*slapped*

Tigerstar: Respect my mother you runt! She was barely a warrior while my filthy, impure kittypet father was older than dirt when my greatness was born.

Hawkfrost: *muttering* Did he act like an asshole too- *slapped*

Tigerstar: Not-son, the toms of our family are infamous for being complete assholes in romance. Even my son Brambleclaw has earned his title of jerkery by abandoning Firestar's spawn! *sheds an evil non-existent tear* Well, every cat except you, as you are a failure. Now all of you, leave me in peace! *grumbling as he walks away*

Hawkfrost: Well, I don't get it. If I'm such a handsome and charismatic cat, then why haven't I had cats fawn over me left and right? I demand some groupies or some sort of rabid fanbase!

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><p><em>Somewhere in purgatory, a small black cat shudders in the darkness.<em>

Scourge: It felt like…a thousand voices were calling out me in a wild frenzy, asking me to be their…mate? There were so many…No more mates - no more! *curls up into a ball*

Bone: Did you have that dream again?

Scourge: Th-they just keep on appearing…

* * *

><p><em>Back to our *ahem* 'cassanova'…<em>

Hawkfrost: W-well, you know what? I _CAN_ GET A MATE! Just watch! I'll have at least _10 _following me despite my cruel and vicious character. I can play the innocent tom, I did it with every other Dark Forest trainee!

Mapleshade: He's setting himself up for failure. What a deliciously disastrous result this will be… *creepy giggling*

_Our villain sets out on his epic quest for romance, only to come back empty pawed, forlorn and defeated…_

Mapleshade: _And Mapleshade is right once again. _I only see one cat following you.

Ivypaw: I'll be a groupie! *innocent face*

Hawkfrost: Oh shut up kit. Go kick Darkstripe or something.

Ivypaw: Okay!

Mapleshade: You failed that bad, huh?

Hawkfrost: Mistystar still has a grudge against me, my sister isn't into the kind of thing, neither is Tawnypelt, Poppyfrost thinks I'm creepy for stalking her kits, Squirrelflight looks too much like Firestar and that would just be weird, Leafpool is too…broody, Nightcloud is too demanding and I don't see her relationship with Crowfeather ending up well, Cinderheart is apparently with Lionblaze and possessed by some dead cat, Sorreltail won't come near me, and Hollyleaf and Honeyfern are kind of dead. The dead thing wouldn't be an issue exactly, but Honeyfern has a restraining order against me and Hollyleaf isn't anywhere to be found.

Mapleshade: *snickers* There's always her, like I said.

Ivypaw: *bright-eyed* I beat up Darkstripe like you said!

Darkstripe: Why me…*whines* It's Snowtuft's turn to be the scratching post.

Snowtuft: Today is Monday. You know I'm the scratching post on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays!

Hawkfrost: *sigh* C'mon kit, let's go get some ice-cream.

Ivypaw: B-but I only eat bird, mice and rabbits.

Hawkfrost: YOU WILL EAT YOUR ICE-CREAM AND LIKE IT! *eye twitch*

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><p>Fun fact: The only one in the Dark Forest who actually likes ice-cream is Snowtuft.<p>

Thank you for reviewing and reading, I really appreciate it!


	3. Tigerstar

Disclaimer: Warrior Cats belongs to Erin Hunter! (Vicky, Kate, Cherith and Tui) This poorly constructed spoof belongs to me. Ah well, I hope it entertains you!

Warning: Some use of language.

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><p>#3<p>

Time – TFW

_The series continues as we take a look into the daily afterlife of Tigerstar…_

Sol: He doesn't do anything exciting. You'd basically be giving an analysis of him scratching his ass or something.

_Oh shut Sol, I've faced worse trolls than you._

Sol: Like your face in the mirror?

_…You know what? I'm just going to ignore you. You're a fictional character._

Sol: …You're talking to the words you're typing down as if they're characters from Warriors.

Sol: …

Sol: Hello?

Sol: _Really?_

Sol: My powers of trolling only work if I'm talking to someone! DX

* * *

><p>Tigerstar emerges from his dark evil den of doom (DEDD), fur stuck up, eyes livid, and stomach growling…<p>

Tigerstar: I despise evenings.

Sparrowfeather: *waving at nonexistent camera* Why evenings?

Tigerstar: *jumps slightly* WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE MY DEN!?

Sparrowfeather: *squeaky high pitched nervous voice* W-We need you give an inspiring speech. Of evil!

Tigerstar: Not now subordinate, the evil moon that conceals the glorious sun is out.

Sparrowfeather: W-we dwell in the Dark Forest sir. There is no sun. O-or moon.

Tigerstar: Eh? HAWKFROST, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THERE ISN'T A CONCEPT OF TIME IN THE DARK FOREST?! If you were Brambleclaw you would have told me first thing!

Sparrowfeather: _I've been hearing that a lot recently_. Um, he isn't here right now sir. He and the rest of the Dark Forest warriors are over the training grounds.

Tigerstar: Don't they know it's nighttime? I read the obituaries during the night!

Sparrowfeather: _It always looks night! _Very good sir. But, uh, we still need you to appear and rally the masses into a raging mob. They've become bolder in their questioning of our motives lately and we need to quell down suspicions. It would be needless to kill them _all._

Tigerstar: *shrug* It doesn't bother me. But anyways, carry me there minion. *hops on Sparrowfeather's back*

Sparrowfeather: *struggling to breath* I thought...*huff* cats couldn't…*wheeze* shrug! *barely spits out last word* howareyourlimbsnotbroken? *buckles under the weight*

Tigerstar: *shrug* I'll blame Hawkfrost when we get there. Now hurry up!

* * *

><p><em>Tigerstar eventually makes it to the gathering, while Sparrowfeather is gasping for dear life.<em>

Sparrowfeather: Can't…*gasps* breathe! *collapses*

Tigerstar: Oh shut up and stop complaining, you're already dead. 'Ahem' *clears throat* MINIONS AND NOT-SON, HEAR MY WORDS AND PAY ATTENTON!

Sparrowfeather: We don't even eat anything! How do you weigh so much?!

Tigerstar: *kicks off conveniently placed cliff* Ignore the lesser one…who didn't fall off the cliff that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

Icewing: I completely forgot that Tigerstar is evil and killed many cats.

Sunstrike: Yes, we shouldn't question their motives at all.

Ratscar: I like speaking when other cats are saying stuff!

Ivypool: *under Brokenstar's scrutinizing stare* I didn't even see him push his own Clanmate off a conveniently placed cliff. _I feel like the only sane one here._

Tigerheart: She was just clumsy and fell off by accident. _I feel like the only sane one here._

Tigerstar: Ah yes, but before I move on… *yelling* HAWKFROST, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT CATS CAN'T SHRUG?!

Hawkfrost: *somewhere at the back of the crowd of cats* I love you evil Dad!

Tigerstar: Biggest disappointment…Anyways, onto my speech! MINIONS, I-I mean, um, loyal, hard-working warriors!

*crickets chirp*

Snowtuft: How are there crickets here?

Tigerstar: *unconvincing cheesy grin* Join me in destroying my arch-nemesis Firestar – I mean destroying the Clans and killing your loved ones – I mean…uh…

*crickets are silent*

Tigerstar: Hehe, the evil side has ice-cream?

*Snowtuft has eaten the cricket*

Shredtail: *staring at Snowtuft*

Snowtuft: It's been ages since I last tasted food! DX

Shredtail: Aren't you usually the serious one?

Snowtuft: Not eating and poor sleep can cause one's brain to disfunction.

Tigerstar: Hey, shut up you two! I am trying to trick these gullible – I mean, teach these fine young cats to become better warriors!

Hollowpaw: *raises paw* What is ice-cream?

Tigerstar: *groans* If you help the Dark Forest then you'll get all the prey you want plus vengeance against your enemies. We most definitely won't kill your mate and loved ones.

*silence*

DF Trainees: HOORAY!

Breezepelt: I'll take vengeance with prey on the side, and I won't say please. Angsty character don't say please. Yeah. You got a problem?

Brokenstar: Where the Dark Forest did Breezepelt appear from…

* * *

><p><em>Later on during training practice…<em>

Tigerstar: That could have gone better.

Brokenstar: *sigh* Thanks to that pitiful display we'll have to rely on threats, force, and lying.

Snowtuft: I really like the ice-cream idea-

Brokenstar: NO_._ No ice-cream.

Hawkfrost: *staring at his reflection* We always relied on threats and force. We only discovered ice-cream when that really lost twoleg wandered into our territory.

Mapleshade: I still don't know how that happened.

Tigerstar: Mapleshade, how could you miss the rousing speech?!

Mapleshade: *raises non-existent eyebrow* I was asleep.

Hawkfrost: *still staring at his reflection* How come you get to sleep in?

Mapleshade: I despise evenings…

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><p><em>Meanwhile, in a cavern below a conveniently placed cliff full of cat skulls and crushed bones…<em>

Sparrowfeather: My everything hurts…

Clawface: If you can find a way back up, let me know. I've been stuck down here since Tigerstar pushed me off.

Sparrowfeather: *buries face in ground* I mmph mff mf mmf… (Translation: I can't feel my face…)

Clawface: *staring at a skull* Hey, I think I found Jaggedtooth!


	4. Mapleshade

Disclaimer: Warrior Cats and all other characters pertaining to this book series are creations of Erin Hunter! (Aka: Vicky, Cherith, Kate and Tui) This poorly executed spoof belongs to me.

WARNING: There is use of inappropriate language in this spoof.

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><p>#4<p>

_Time: Just after TFW_

_Mapleshade decides she's had enough of being treated like she's innocent, and tries to set her reputation straight…_

Goosefeather: How am I going to climb down this tree?

* * *

><p>Mapleshade: This is <em>unacceptable.<em> *crumples up newspaper*

Maggottail: *somehow reading* Hmm… "Mapleshade; Innocent Lover or Envious Murderer? StarClan won't say but witnesses protest that-"

Mapleshade: I suggest you shut up and not finish that sentence, if you value your teeth.

Maggottail: Is that the best threat you can come up with? I'm almost faded away regardless! Really, in a moon or two I could kick the bucket.

Silverhawk: I must agree with Maggottail, your petty insults aren't quite up to par as they usually are.

Mapleshade: Shredtail, I told you to get rid up that silver paint 165 moons ago. NOW DO IT!

Shredtail: Y-Yes mam-boss-lady-sir! *cowering*

Mapleshade: I cannot have some wretched pity party of idiots following me around.

Pity Party: Aww…

Mapleshade: I EARNED MY PLACE HERE! How _dare _they think that they can take my reputation away! I'll have to think of something so cruel, so vile, so _evil_, that they never mistake me for anything but the monster I truly am!

Snowtuft: Um…here's your mail which we can somehow read and deliver.

Mapleshade: Give me that! *snatches*

Goosefeather: You should leave now you two. *gestures at Maggottail and 'Silverhawk'* She turns green with angry.

Shredtail: Don't you mean 'green with envy?'

Goosefeather: DON'T QUESTION MY LOGIC!

Mapleshade: What the dark forest was that?! I just killed the pity party off-screen.

_The pity party is miraculously…still very much dead._

Mapleshade: Gah, I don't have time! *flips through mail* Bill, bill, random add for evil seminar, that therapy twoleg again, bill, Sandstorm's mail, bill- wait, who the heck is Sandstorm?!

_Mapleshade decides to be petty and read this 'Sandstorm's' mail, and with each passing sentence her fury only increases in amount…_

Mapleshade: The Clan leader's mate? Two living daughters and three grandkits? A good…life?

Random bystander cat: Aw…

Mapleshade: HOW _DARE_ SHE LIVE THE LIFE _I_ DESERVE!

Random bystander cat: This is so sad…

Mapleshade: I DON'T NEED PITY! Happiness is just a lie. No, every happy couple should just die.

_Mapleshade's eyes gleam with a wild light._

Mapleshade: Gehehehehe…I'll personally make sure you suffer Sandstorm. I don't know who you are, and what you've accomplished, but you _will_ suffer. I'm just a bitch like that.

Sol: Hey, do you know who else should just die?

Mapleshade: ! Who the Dark Forest are you?

Sol: I'm just a cat who is sick and tired of black she-cats with green eyes getting in his way. *winces* Maybe I'll just take a break…a nice, long break before I return in the sixth series. I'm _Sol_. I won't be kept away forever.

Tigerstar: And I want Firestar to _suffer_.

Everyone unanimously: We know that.

Brokenstar: *appears from nowhere* Are we stating our evil motives or something?

Sparrowfeather: I just want more cameos as a character!

Tigerstar: Oh look, she didn't fade away after all…

Sparrowfeather: After you _pushed me off a cliff!_

Tigerstar: I'm EVIL. Seriously what were you expecting, Spottedleaf or something?

Mapleshade: Enough of the discussion of cliffs! What we all really want, for our evil, selfish, petty reasons…is _revenge._

Brokenstar: Yeah…DEATH TO THE CLA-

Mapleshade: NO, just…_no_. Save your narmy speeches for the trainees.

Brokenstar: Stop contradicting me all the time! *whines*

Mapleshade: Remind me why he's leader again…

Sol: You'll find out next spoof.

*pause*

Brokenstar: I'm an awesome leader-

Mapleshade: -By using 'awesome' to assert your status you lost even more of my nonexistent respect for you.

Snowtuft: _He can't lose respect if he never had it to begin with._

Tigerstar: I'm just waiting for Hawkfrost to show up so I can yell at him for no reason.

Brokenstar: *glaring immaturely at Mapleshade* Yeah, he should have showed up by now.

Mapleshade: He's probably stalking one of the trainees.

General mumbling: "Yes" "Sounds about right" "Indeed" "I'm really hungry"

Hawkfrost: What? It's been 30 moons since I last tasted edible, tangible prey! We need to invest in a snack machine or fast food service. I'll even eat McDonalds. _McDonalds_. Just. Give. Me. FOOD!

Sol: This spoof has serious derailed from the original content.

Snowtuft: Why is he even allowed at these meetings?

* * *

><p>Goosefeather: GASP! I should really warn StarClan about the vital information I just heard and save some more lives!<p>

…

Goosefeather: I can't climb down this tree.

Goosefeather: …Well shit.

* * *

><p>Remember to review or favorite! ^^ Thank is, if you uh, want to...*hides in background*<p> 


	5. Brokenstar

For this 'chapter' I wanted to do things different, so it's in multiple spoof form as opposed to the usual storyline style. It's good to mix things up every once in a while. ^^

Disclaimer: Warrior Cats and all characters pertaining to this series are creations of Erin Hunter! (Aka: Vicky, Cherith, Kate and Tui) The following group of poorly executed spoofs belong to me.

WARNING: There is use of inappropriate language and dark themes in this 'chapter'.

* * *

><p>#5<p>

Brokenstar: One-two-three-I'mdarkforestleader!

Tigerstar: Wait, wait?

Brokenstar: I am now the Dark Forest leader.

Tigerstar: That's not how it works! You're supposed to vote on it and the majority vote wins.

Brokenstar: Screw democracy, I run a dictatorship!

* * *

><p>Tigerstar: I wonder who is in the obituaries today…<p>

Tigerstar: …This is the second time I've read about Heavystep…

* * *

><p>Shredtail: Thistleclaw, was it necessary to kill Antpelt? He was my apprentice, after all.<p>

Thistleclaw: He was weak and needed to be disposed of. Besides, he called my fur 'unkempt'.

Mapleshade: And you call me petty?

Shredtail: You are planning to kill Firestar's mate because she has a good life, so yes.

* * *

><p>Snowtuft: Okay, when was it decided in the books that I was a walking scratching post? Can I get a break, please?<p>

Darkstripe: Join the club...

* * *

><p>Ivypaw: Hey Hawkfrost, can you teach me how to wrestle?<p>

Hawkfrost: *going on about training blah blah* -Wait, _what?_

Ivypaw: It's just that Sorreltail and Brackenfur keep talking about wrestling, and I want to join them too! Fighting is fun!

Hawkfrost: Ah geez, why do I get stuck with the innocent kits…Well you see, er…_that_ wrestling and regular wrestling is different…

Ivypaw: *innocent blue eyes* How?

Hawkfrost: Gheheheh…NEXT QUESTION!

Ivypaw: But I-

Hawkfrost: MOVING ON.

* * *

><p>Tigerstar: *staring in puddle at his reflection* Look at yourself tom, you're a ghost of your former self. You used to be feared, admired! You ruled the Clans with a hammer claw!<p>

*silence*

Tigerstar: Wait, what the heck is a hammer?

* * *

><p>Sparrowfeather: WHY THE DARK FOREST AM I TOM IN THE LAST HOPE?!<p>

Rowanclaw: The authors mixed you up.

Mosskit: *nonexistent shrug* It happens.

Snowpaw: It just makes you unique!

Mousewhisker: I keep forgetting – am I Mousewhisker or Molewhisker? …Or is it Mousefur?

Mousefur: _I'm_ Mousefur you twit!

* * *

><p>Shredtail: *drill sergeant voice* KEEP THOSE TAILS LOW AND CLAWS UNSHEATHED MINIONS!<p>

Snowtuft: Come to think of it, have you even done anything besides yell at the trainees? You've contributed zero work to this cause.

Shredtail: Doesn't matter, no one's gonna listen to you over me anyways. Did your leader think it would be funny to name you 'tuft' or something? No cat takes you seriously. Your existence, _is to be a scratching post for us._

Snowtuft: Hey buddy, guess which one of us fades away in the last book…

* * *

><p>Darkstripe: I vote for Tigerstar!<p>

Tigerstar: Shaddup. *slaps*

Darkstripe: *cowering* Yes master…

* * *

><p>Hawkfrost: As my first act of being second in command, I order you all to make my beautiful visage into a statue of solid gold.<p>

Thistleclaw: ARROGANT BRAT, THERE ARE PLENTY OF EVIL CATS MORE WORTHY THAN _YOU_. And that should be _MY_ beautiful visage!

Hawkfrost: You want to fight for the title? NO. CAT. IS. HAMMIER. THAN. **MEEEEEE!**

Thistleclaw: I KICK PUPPIES AND SHAVE THEIR FUR, BUT DON'T GIVE THE PUPPY TO CHARITY!

Hawkfrost: I RIP ASUNDER STUFFED TOYS OF CUTENESS AND FILL THEIR ENTRAILS FULL OF PAIN AND SUFFERING!

Thistleclaw: …You win this round.

* * *

><p>Brokenstar: My first act as self-appointed leader is to organize us into groups. Tigerstar! You're team Orange. Mapleshade! You're team ReddishOrange. Thistleclaw's team is Yellow, Maggotail's team is Green if he hasn't faded away yet, that geezer in the tree-

Goosefeather: -GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!

Brokenstar: -is Gray, and I'm Red, because red is an awesomely evil color.

*silence*

Mapleshade: No cat is going to listen to you. We are a bunch of egoistic, petty, selfish characters who all want revenge, to kill because we can, and we all want power. No cat is going to follow save those gullible trainees.

Darkstripe: Can I be on team Orange?

Mapleshade: And Darkstripe.

* * *

><p>Hawkfrost: You just wait! Someday I'm going to kill a major PoV character then rub it in for good measure!<p>

* * *

><p>Sol: I left ShadowClan, but I cannot leave the Clans yet…The Clans need me, they just haven't realized it yet. You need me, Hollyleaf.<p>

Hollyleaf: I cannot begin to tell you how creepy that just sounded.

* * *

><p>Mapleshade: I'm not envious! I just want that pretty and nice she-cat to suffer horribly for her good life that should be MINE.<p>

Silverhawk: That's actually called schaudenfruede.

Mapleshade: You still have the paint…why do you still have the paint.

* * *

><p>Tigerstar: *reading obituaries*<p>

Tigerstar: I should ask this Heavystep is he knows the secret to immortality, because seriously…

* * *

><p>Ashfur: KARMA. HOUDINI.<p>

Thistleclaw: Okay, who let this asshole into StarClan?

* * *

><p>Tigerstar: Wait a minute, why don't I have a massive scar on my belly from my death?<p>

Hawkfrost: And I was effectively _staked_. Shouldn't there at least be a puncture wound or something?

Brokenstar: I should technically still be blind.

Snowtuft: …How fortunate you all must be. *stares at giant scar on his body*

Mapleshade: It would be kind of difficult for the trainees to trust us if our necks had gaping holes in them and our intestines were spilling out.

*pauses*

Brokenstar: Thank you for that lovely description, Mapleshade.

* * *

><p>Ivypool: Hey Mapleshade, why don't you have an apprentice?<p>

Mapleshade: They keep dying.

Ivypool: _Sorry I asked…_

* * *

><p>Poppyfrost: *notices Brokenstar, Hawkfrost and Tigerstar looming over Cherrykit and Molekit* Uh, honey? Could you call an exorcist?<p>

* * *

><p>Sparrowfeather: *casually walking*<p>

Sparrowfeather: ! I get my own spoof segment?

Sparrowfeather: WAIT, DON'T CUT ME OFF I HAVE TO SAY-

* * *

><p>Thistleclaw: I just realized something.<p>

Tigerstar: What?

Thistleclaw: Imagine when we go to destroy StarClan, and see our former mates there.

*silence*

Thistleclaw: The reunion with Snowfur and Whitestorm is going to be awkward…

* * *

><p>Thank you for those who have reviewed and replied! It means a lot to me, and I hope that in the future my writing will improve. ^^ This was really fun to make, and I love picking apart some common depictions of the characters and turning them around into spoof material. You're all awesome for reading this!<p> 


	6. StarClan

I've decided to change the main character of this episode a bit to focus on StarClan's interactions with the Dark Forest.

Disclaimer: Warrior Cats and all characters pertaining to that book series were created by Erin Hunter! (Aka; Vicky, Cherith, Kate and Tui.) This poorly executed spoof belongs to me.

* * *

><p>#6<p>

_When asked in an interview about why they were working to destroy the Clans, the Dark Forest had this to say:_

Reporter: Tigerstar, why have you been motivated to destroy the Clans?

Tigerstar: Get off the Dark Forest territory, Bluestar.

Bluestar: I am not Bluestar. I am - uh - Bluestone! I mean Moonstone! Uh, Moonpool?

Tigerstar: *slams nonexistent door in face*

Camera Cat: That could have gone better.

Bluestar: Spottedleaf, I thought they gave you a restraining order to keep off of Dark Forest territories after you went stalking with Jayfeather.

Spottedleaf: Oh, is _that_ what they told you?!

*silence*

Spottedleaf: Fine, you're right this time...and _only_ this time...

* * *

><p>Reporter (Bluestar) : Brokenstar, why have you been motivated to destroy the Clans?<p>

Brokenstar: Oh, no particular reason.

Bluestar: ...Really? No reason at all?

Brokenstar: I like killing things. ^^

Bluestar: That's uh...nice?

Camera Cat (Spottedleaf) : Um...very good sir.

*elsewhere*

Sol: You shouldn't use ^^ for Brokenstar.

_Sol, stop breaking the fourth wall!_

* * *

><p>Reporter (Bluestar) : *yelling from 101 feet away in a megaphone* HAWKFROST, WHY HAVE YOU BEEN MOTIVATED TO DESTROY THE CLANS?<p>

Camera Cat (Spottedleaf) : Where did we even get that thing anyways?

Bluestar: Ashfur had it and kept screaming into it about war and love. I took it away for his mental health and our eardrums.

Spottedleaf: O...kay... I guess we just wait then now.

*silence*

*pause*

Hawkfrost: WHAT?

Spottedleaf: *yelling through megaphone* WHY HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING TO DESTROY THE CLANS?

Bluestar: I said motivat-

Hawkfrost: -HANG ON, LET ME TALK TO DAD!

_Bluestar and Spottedleaf have a staring contest with a tree as they wait._

Hawkfrost: *sticks face in nonexistent door* DAAAAD! Why are you working to destroy the Clans again?

Tigerstar: *reading newspaper* It's Bluestar and Spottedleaf, trying to find out information for their pathetic StarClan. Now let me read the obituaries in peace!

Hawkfrost: Oh.

*pause*

Hawkfrost: Isn't Spottedleaf the really hot one?

Tigerstar: They all have a restraining order against you.

Hawkfrost: Aw...

*meanwhile, the tree questions its sense of self as it lost a staring contest to a bluish cat…*

Spottedleaf: Um...is he going to answer back?

Bluestar: Just forget it. It's probably the same reason as Tigerstar.

Spottedleaf: But we never found out Tigerstar's reason.

*slap*

Bluestar: Shaddup Spottedleaf.

* * *

><p>Reporter (Bluestar) : Mapleshade, why have you been motivated to destroy the Clans?<p>

Mapleshade: *sweet Grandma voice* Oh, no reason dearies. I just want to watch all the Clans suffer for their happiness and watch them die. I will _decimate_ StarClan's ranks and their _precious_ little Clans, where I will bathe in their blood as it spills from their lifeless bodies and pools to the ground, painting the ground in red death, as I dance upon their lifeless corpses! I'm still learning how to dance, but one pawstep at a time as they say.

Mapleshade: ...Oh look, they're gone already. Ah well, back to my knitting. *whistling cheerfully*

*later*

Bluestar: That cat is psychotic!

Spottedleaf: Just looking at her I can feel myself fading away for some reason...

* * *

><p>Reporter (Bluestar) : *gritted teeth* Thistleclaw, why have you been motivated to destroy the Clans?<p>

Thistleclaw: I care nothing about the Clans. I want to destroy StarClan for making Blue_fur_ deputy when it was MY rightful title! They'll pay with their _existence_ for denying me my right to lead! I'll mark their borders with their own blood.

Bluestar: I'd love to see you try you piece of foxdu-

Camera Cat (Spottedleaf) : *hurrying Bluestar away* Thank for you for your time and consideration!

* * *

><p>Reporter (Bluestar) : Darkstripe, why have you been motivated to destroy the Clans?<p>

Darkstripe: I dunno. Tigerstar wants to, so I guess I'll do that too.

Camera Cat (Spottedleaf) : Nice...um...How many portraits of Tigerstar do you _have?_

Darkstripe: 326. I drew them all. *happy face*

Bluestar: _Is the brown blob supposed to be his face?_

Darkstripe: Do you wanna see them all? *overly happy face*

Spottedleaf: Oh, terribly sorry, but we're on a tight schedule. Maybe sometime in the future? Well, er, bye! *flees*

*while walking away from the disaster zone*

Bluestar: That was not art.

Spottedleaf: I know, but-

Bluestar: That was an insult to art.

Spottedleaf: I know, but at least he tried.

Bluestar: A dead mouse could draw better.

Spottedleaf: *sympathetic look* Let it go.

* * *

><p>Reporter (Bluestar) : Hello! Um...what are your names?<p>

Shredtail: I'm Shredtail, this is Sparrowfeather-

Sparrowfeather: -Hi!

Shredtail: -And this is Scratching Post.

Snowtuft: *monotone mantra* Only on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.

Sparrowfeather: Hi! What did you contact us for?

Camera Cat (Spottedleaf) : We're doing a DF documentary and wanted to ask you why you're working to destroy the Clans-

Sparrowfeather: AN INTERVIEW? OH MY DARK FOREST I CAN'T BELIEVE-

Shredtail: *shoves Sparrowfeather away* My tale...*dramatic pause* is a long and very tragic story...

Snowtuft: -Why do we have to tell these strangers our motives?

Shredtail: ...full of-what? Why are you interrupting my monologue?! DX

Snowtuft: Well, doesn't it seem oddly convenient that these cats are asking such informative and personal questions?

Shredtail: Some cats happen to like my intriguing and complex story. I am worth telling others about!

Snowtuft: *sigh* What I mean is that it could be possible they're actually StarClan cats posing as a documentary cre-

Shredtail: Go be logical elsewhere!

Sparrowfeather: *face is breathing on camera* HI MOM.

Spottedleaf: Um...

Sparrowfeather: Oh yeah, I hated mother. *giggling* I almost forget I killed her. I HATE YOU MOM!

Bluestar: So, er, you were going on about the whole 'evil motives' things-

Clawface: *arrives in a flash of red smoke* I LOVE CAMERAS!

Spottedleaf: Ah…I'm not very comfortable with this...

Sparrowfeather: Find another way to make a cameo or I'll push you off a conveniently placed cliff!

Bluestar: How about we not push any cats off cliffs and just reveal some secrets-

Clawface: How about I push _you_ of a cliff...*thinking hard about an insult* ...bluish gray fur?

Bluestar: *shoves Spottedleaf in front of her* Take her instead, she's had too much screen time as it is!

Spottedleaf: W-we were just leaving! G-goodbye!

* * *

><p>Bluestar: Spottedleaf, we were about to learn vital information on why they're attacking the Clans!<p>

*silence*

Bluestar: Spottedleaf?

Spottedleaf: ...You almost let me get pushed off a cliff.

Bluestar: I thought you were supposed to be the perfect one.

Spottedleaf: I have nothing to say to you.

Bluestar: Spottedleaf?

*silence*

Bluestar: I've already been thrown off a cliff before! Into water, I might add!

*silence*

Bluestar: Apparently _some cat_ doesn't know the meaning of taking one for the team!

* * *

><p>Goosefeather: *still stuck in the same tree* It's been five moons...<p>

Goosefeather: Help?

* * *

><p>Will Bluestar and Spottedleaf get any information on the Dark Forest or will they be foiled yet again? Why does Tigerstar want to read the obituaries so badly? Will Goosefeather ever escape from the tree? All these answers and more...will not be answered next episode.<p>

Thank you for reading my poorly done parody/spoof!


End file.
